“When people show you
who they are, believe them.” – The incomparable Maya Angelou (Rise in Peace)
“When love is no longer
being served, you have to learn how to leave the table.” – Nina Simone
“Sometimes you have to
be heartless or simply learn to use your heart less.” – Unknown
“Sometimes you’re
circle decreases in size, but increases in value.” – Unknown
When someone gives you the
“gift of goodbye (I believe I overheard Oprah coin this phrase, or borrow the
currency from someone who did) treasure it.
To paraphrase the
counsel of two dear mentors in regards to certain types, “Smarten up (mentor
number one) and fuck ‘em (mentor number two).
Unfortunately, love and
loyalty, can too often become personal liabilities that said, learn to invest
in yourself, and reap the returns.
That’s it for today’s
lessons kids. On to the diurnal phase because it’s been a couple months :
I quit my job at Whole
Foods amidst a maelstrom of chaos, lost my apartment, found myself sleeping
where I so desired at night (read: open air suburban camping) and in doing so
positioned myself closer to positivity, progression and peace of mind that once
seemed utterly elusive and fantastically illusive.
____
There is a young girl
(around 19), whose own introversion and pensive nature reminds me of my own at
the old-school, artsy, independent movie theater where I have worked for the
past month (and hopefully will for the next five and a half weeks. She also is
a middle child and aspiring writer, and is definitely the shy and awkward type.
There is something attractive about her, in a non-classical way. Though she isn’t my type per se, our
conversations, which have grown more personal to pass the time, remind me that
I am indeed a sapiosexual. Nothing turns me off more quickly than mediocre,
mundane, run-of-the-mill, predictable conversation.
Over the past few
months, I’ve developed an even greater aversion towards material gain and general notions of intimacy, be it
social, sexual/romantic. Though I’m detaching and disengaging, much of it is
from toxicity, something my shrink Scott has said, has me ever so calm and at
ease. The less I have sift through
materially and emotionally those more at peace I feel. Sometimes less is indeed
more, and my material minimalism has spilled over into interpersonal
minimalism.
Despite the above
statement, it seems, that despite still being on the celibacy streak to end all
streaks, that there’s some sort of attraction between the aforementioned my
co-worker and I. There definitely appears to be a mutual admiration of one
another’s personal peace; beyond that, it’s been so long that I can’t even call
it in fairness.
What I can say for
sure, is that I did have a fleeting fantasy of having sex with her in the
backroom behind the concession stand. That would have been super hot. Then I
thought about how I start my MSW program in less than a couple of months. The last
thing the kid needs right now is a kid. The other last thing I need is some
broken-hearted, sprung, nineteen year old who can’t handle a fling, calling me
out on sexual harassment charges, let alone that weighty word that rhymes with
ape. To be fair, I can’t even call how I’d handle any type of sexscapade at this
juncture. It could just as easily be me who would catch feelings; that said,
with so much up in the air, it seems to me that some things are just better
left up to fantasy.
Speaking of which, she
is an English major at Boston College, and she taught me much about the genre ,
something about which, I previously knew next to nothing and for which I cared
very litt.e. Now I can proudly boast knowing that Tolkien is the father of
modern fantasy, while Rowling has ushered in a new era of epic fantasy. Again,
not my cup of tea, but it’s nice to be able to be conversant in the interests
of others, especially if they are wildly popular like fantasy.
On that note, after
writing the preceding paragraph, I, while at the library, had to make a quick
run to the bathroom, and came out feeling, more relieved. For some reason I
feel like walking past the cute librarian after draining the main vain
autoerotically of course, should be more awkward, but it’s not. I have a
feeling she knows and she knows I have a feeling she knows. Kinda turns me on
truthfully, while reminding me that my libido, while dormant at times, hasn’t
gone anywhere near dead.
My angling towards the
hopefully imminent MSW venture ranges from eager, to anxious, to nonchalance,
to pressured, depending on the time of day. This attitudinal kinesis is
consistent with my thoughts towards most everything else as well.
I spend a good deal of
time thinking about to whom I allow/offer access. Getting to know anyone is a
privilege that can be extended or rescinded without notice in my book. If you
are on thin ice with me, chances are you won’t know it until you’re swimming to
warmer shores in freezing water. If you’re good with me, then everything is kool and the gang, the
gang being the ever-dwindling circle of course.
