It's not what you are called, but what you answer to that matters...

We all know hypochondriacs are those who internalize the belief that they are always sick. In many cases they feel and act upon this feeling. Well they have done studies of people who, let’s say show up at the office on Monday morning, feeling physically well and healthy by any and every measure that science has to offer.

As part of an experiment, people throughout the day told that person he or she was exhibiting signs of physical illness, despite being perfectly well upon arriving at the office that person was indeed rendered physically ill by the same physiological measures that had deemed him in perfect health at the day’s outset. After enough continued interrogation and subjection they had essentially rendered a false confession by leading the witness if you want to think about it in legalistic terms.

I’m not sure if there’s a word for people who externalize hypochondria upon others (i.e. telling them that they are sick), but if there is such a condition, it feels like I have experience with it. For instance, I just quit a job, that despite having emotional ties to co-workers, left me feeling torn at best as it was not consistent with my abilities or interests. As a result, I was only able to give a company and the people within it, to whom I owed much, 50% mental effort at any given time (at best). Also, the pursuit of my goals in my personal life that are tailored around my abilities in interest suffered because I was invested time and mental energy at work. This is a textbook case of cognitive dissonance.  So in anticipation of  leaving a job that was causing me significant ambivalence to fully pursue my own ambitions more efficiently and steadfastly than ever before, one would think, and correct me if you disagree, a reasonable degree of heightened happiness is expected.

Again, as expressed my issue, lies with people who don’t understand, and rather than make efforts to do fully inform themselves and engage the diagnosed in an effort to do so, attempt to instruct and impose their understanding.

In keeping with this line of thinking, a dear friend of mine recently had for the second or third time informed me that my email account had been hacked and was sending out spam. This was unknown to me up to this point. The first time I took a simple to fix it. I changed my password as I understood was a basic solution. A few months later I received a similar notification from the same friend, ensuring me that I had a virus. This time I went to the trouble of downloading, installing, and running a free virus scan software program which found 0 viruses. To ensure that he received 0 further spam, I removed him from my address book, and again changed my password. Eventually, I went on to delete my email address (though it can be reactivated), for many reasons, but this frustration, though not the primary one, was among them. I hope this demonstrates plainly and objectively how external perception can shape our self-concept and eventually our behaviors.

Having time to frame it in retrospect against this particular backdrop is helpful. My friend, who had nothing but the best of intentions I’m sure, could have made effort on his end to suggest virus software or other technical measures to protect himself or taken measures to ensure his spam filters were working properly (and perhaps he, did but for the sake of argument let’s say he didn’t). In a nutshell a problem that could have been shared was made mine to deal with. In a communications class at USC  we learned of the fundamental attribution error (FAE) where people general externalize any problem elsewhere; essentially we are quick to blame and slow to accept it. It’s always someone else’s problem, shortcoming, flaw, etc. You want to solve conflict, assume the blame. 100% of it for perspective sake. Imagine it was all your fault, even if every reliable objective and subjective marker says otherwise. For the sake of rhetorical fluidity, for argument, etc. Imagine you are at fault. Einstein said imagination is more important than intelligence. So get to daydreaming, people.

The FAE is pretty much the law of the land if you will, but sometimes the law of averages kicks in and when it does, it’s fucking sweet. In a recent conversation with my new favorite cousin, I was frustrated and my speech wss understandably pressured as a result. I was frustrated because I had just had a great weekend after finally leaving my job that was causing me to feel ambivalent, then spent the following day (Sunday) with my cell phone off and no internet access, not a care in the world, and it felt like the first day of the rest of my life in a lot of ways and for a lot of reasons, none of which matter right now.  I was happy, but in the days before, and the day after, people who don’t understand this (among other things) showed potential to restrict or inhibit this happiness, not intentionally, but did so none the less through a constant barrage of questioning. In any case, in keeping with my self-awareness that has been honed over the years, I understand when I am the least bit agitated, so I am not surprised at this point when people tell me that I am talking fast.

However my cousin did something that struck me as extraordinarily special, reflected an extremely high, EQ, and was proof of her exceptional self-awareness/acceptance that amazed me. Instead of first telling me that I was talking fast (which again I would have admitted and of which I was aware), she admitted to me and let me know that she “was not a very good verbal processor” and then asked something of me. That I slow down to accommodate her listening style.

Wooooooooow. I was almost floored. I went on to thank her profusely. Her listening style combined with my admittedly pressured speech made communication and understanding very difficult. Miscommunication and misunderstanding are the pillars of any conflict in my estimation, so the fact that she was able to admit to her role in the misunderstanding, assume some of the issue, and meet me half way so to speak in the interest of mutual understanding (she went on to describe her feelings before becoming symptomatic with a physical illness she had).

My cousin is a black woman. As such, she has been forced to deal with the dual burdens of racism and sexism, and unbelievable task suited only for the most unbelievable of women. To the extent that they should, perhaps better than most, understand minority-hood and the labeling, stigmatization, finger-pointing, pathologizing, and problematizing (all the hear in the media is that, “your hair is too nappy, too natural, too pressured, your lips are too big, your skin is too dark, you’re too fat, you have too much attitude etc.) of it, I used to hope for a certain kinship as I am similarly afflicted with my own dual burden’s (racial and mental labels), but that does not always happen. When it does, it is amazing to find an ally who gets it, and when you’re dealing with other people’s ignorance as a full-time job, you form alliances, bonds, friendships, and loves wherever you are lucky enough to find them.

Unless my talking fast presents a problem for someone else, then I can and will talk as fast as reasonable (I understand this to be a loaded term) comprehension and intelligibility will allow. There have been times at the height of mania that my ramblings were a mess of unintelligible, gibberish. (it should be noted that my dear friend, whom I call, twin for a shared bday, has been told he can speak in tongues). Perhaps the next time I see someone who is extremely manic being asked if they have taken their meds, I’ll intervene casually, and ask the interrogator/accuser, “have you taken your meds that will allow you to correct your obvious hearing deficiencies?”